am still waiting to see my primary care physician. See, its not just the over-all body pain, but also the on-and-off diarrhea, migraines, tremors, poor memory, fatigue, insomnia, body weight up and down, hot flashes at night, tinnitus, and this is what I can write for now because I do not like focusing on what is wrong. In the past 10 years I have essentially been told I am crazy given a variety of anti-depressants, and that the constant pain is 'in my head' and 'imagined' and that 'healthy men in their twenties do not have fibromyalgia, old women do', and that all I want is pain medication. Of course, and I couldn't have GWI* because I wasn't there until 1992! But I do want pain medication, in lieu of a cure. It was the only time, in 1999, that I was really able to achieve something, which was a 3.2 GPA at the University. 

Then a doctor took me off of it citing I was addicted and abusing it and that I wasn't really in pain, and that all I wanted to do is get high. Afterwards I had to drop out and my marriage failed, my wife's family assumed I was an addict incapable of being a father, that I was mental and unfit to be a father. Then I moved 1000 miles west convinced a change of scenery would help. To be blunt, since no one will help with the pain, I have been self-medicating using marijuana for the past two years (I can't drink enough without vomiting). It helped, but I have stopped because I hate the smell, the paranoia and stigma, and the filth that sells it.

Does this admission sound familiar to any sick vets out there? The VA made me wait over a year just to get a doctor. The exam was done last week and the doctor didn't dispute the FM and 'irritable bowel', in fact he said that wasn't the only thing he was worried about. A few days ago I checked up on the blood-work and was told everything was normal except my ketones are 40+ and I was told this is common for people with muscle problems and/or type 1 diabetes. I am not diabetic, and no one in my direct family is either.

My job has fired me because once again, I am exhausted and missed too many days since I began working for them 6 months ago. I don't know how else to explain to people that when I get up in the morning I am exhausted and feel as if I was beaten, and my head always feels like it's going to explode the headaches are so bad. Usually after 3-6 cups of coffee I can get myself moving (no surprise I was told my coffee use is likely the cause of the 'irritable bowel'), after the toilet of course.

This is not a sob story to gain sympathy. To be honest, I honored my word giving the Navy 2 years of my life honorably. I served this nation. I was paid for it, and it did make a better man out of me. This isn't about money and compensation, it's about keeping my sanity, my dignity, and getting some freaking answers, and some treatment. I can't believe for 10 years I have been told this is in my head only now to know it is real, not imagined. In ten years I have not even made $100,000. What little I own I have because I eat maybe twice a day if I am lucky, and my clothing is ... point made. I am having trouble accepting how different my life could be had someone simply helped me even 7 years ago when the FM was recognized.

One other thing, where did all the Gulf War vets disappear to? Here in the west, I have met one very sick veteran from Alaska. Are they like me seeking help from foreign governments like Canada, Australia and Britain? I still can't find the job that allows for time off for medical care and still pay my crummy rent.

I know this, I cannot accept another bout of homelessness and starvation. If I cannot get help, than an accident may happen and my car may be found as a twisted mass of steel off a mountain pass. At least this way my child will only know it was an accident and not consider any other reason, which it would be. The multiple drug overdoses seem to always fail. And I am tired of the slander of being labeled "nuts".

I believe it was the vaccines and I believe it makes sense they were contaminated by bacteria. I believe the company that makes the Anthrax vaccine in Michigan, the only one, which was not under FDA regulations in 1991, has knowledge. I hate conspiracy theories, but something smells, and the one and only thing that matters is answers so my child doesn't have to ask why. Never mind me, I am a wash now. This is my illness, and my honesty publicly writing this likely mirrors that of others. 

I really hope the VA helps me, because emergency rooms turn me away, and it's my only hope. I really don't want to be wrapped up in a steel mass formerly a car, but I won't suffer the indignity of homelessness ever again. 

Pray for me because I am going to need it.

' Cisero '

*note: GWI = Gulf War Illness