Keith,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so tortoured. I have a very irregular sleep schedule, myself. Have you asked for something to help you sleep? Amitryptilene helps me get a few winks. I hate taking it because it dries my mouth and the drugginess lingers throughout the day, but if I haven't slept well in a few days, I take it prior to a time where I can crash for a couple of days.

I think it's hard to put things from the war behind us, when we continue to hear and see things about Iraq on a daily basis. It's like the was never ended-- and, indeed, in most ways, it hasn't.

See if you can be referred to a Psychiatrist (who can prescribe you something for sleep and anxiety). I drank to excess before I was prescribed something else to help me deal and cope with things, and now I have liver damage, so try something besides alcohol for a while. I often use those quiet, lonely times in the night for prayer. It seems to help me relax and focus on other things or people, as well.

Keith,

you need to go at this therapy at YOUR pace, not the therapists pace. Remember, you are trying to help yourself deal with what you have in your own way.

My suggestion to you is to elimate alot of the stressors causing these anxiety outbreaks. Anxiety itself is the brains warning to you that it does not feel safe.

When your anxiety level becomes too much for your brain to handle your mind says to you "i give up, thats it".

its your brains protectiveness of you and this is called depression. This is where the idea of giving up comes from.

The best advice i can give to you is to eliminate some of the stressors so that you're brain can rest. Try to avoid news broadcasts, war movies, driving, and crowds. Just for a while at least until you can mentally figure out a way to cope with your emotions. Right now they are on a roller coaster. I like to go out sometimes and buy myself a gift. maybe a toy, just like when i was a kid. It helps bring my mind back to happier times. Good memories are better than the bad ones, and you do not need the bad one's.

I agree. It is cruel and unusual punishment for a therapist to open old wounds and not 'finish' what he/she started.

Up and down emotions; depression; feeling like giving up, even the lack of sleep itself may be part of a central nervous system damage ... and if that is the case, the therapist can't help much; however, sleep is very important to one's well-being. Even if you can't go to sleep, can you rest and realize that that is a help, too.

quote:

Originally posted by Keith:
Well, 1am and wide awake again. I think I'm going to blow up. I don't even know what I ..... I just can't take anymore.
Sorry if I got out of line, just having a bad <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=time&v=55">time</a>.THANKS
Keith

Keith,

I avoided reality until 1997 when I finally admit to myself that something is wrong. I denied, for years, that I was ill both physically & psychologically.

I was the "soldiers soldier" and I had to adapt & overcome (sound familiar?)

I tolerate pain very well, I never believed that experiencing "stressors" could hold a person hostage.

I stopped adapting & overcoming because I realized this is exactly what the Govt. wanted me to do, and to the point of depression where I would give up.

I've always been able to come to terms with anything I experienced. I realized that I did nothing wrong, and it was my duty to serve in the PGW. This helps greatly when dealing with the past (for me).

I lay awake countless nights thinking what the future holds for my wife and for me. I sometimes lay awake reliving Al Kafji, Halfir Al-Batin, Wadi Al-Batin the entire PGW.

Personally it's the constant dealing with being ill at such a young age that brings on the sleepless nights (for me). I have 11 illnesses (diagnosed) and wonder how many I have waiting to surfice. My primary doctor (civilian) keeps pushing for me to take sleep aid meds, I explain I'm 100% holistic and decline any meds. I know I was exposed to chemicals in the PGW and I truly believe my body is chemically unbalanced and adding more chemicals is not the answer (for me) If I took each prescribed med from every doctor for every illness I would be taking close to 25 pills DAILY. I chose not to deal with my illnesses with meds, but through diet. I know this sounds like an infomercial, but I changed my diet and it has helped GREATLY. I still have my illnesses, but the complications are far less than in the past. Sleeplessness and headaches are the two illnesses I do not have in control, and I think one is the direct result of the other. I think having the headaches is what keeps me up all night thus I relive my past. It's an nightly ritual.

Keith, hang in there, if not for you, for your family. I doubt they would like to see you behind bars; I know the VA would.

Just know you have people, friends that have gone through what you are going through and some even were in the same area in the PGW.

Damn VA!!

Are there any helps here?

Are your headaches like these? (Please read thru the military input, too.) I wonder whether the headache is not in the brain but one of the endocrine glands, like the pituitary?

I think the sleepless nights are part of the neurological damage . . . There is a post here on that already.

If it's OK to swear, "I say damn the chemical companies who care more about earning a profit than they care about human life" AND I MEAN IT

The USA is clueless - they don't know what's the matter.

I can understand. Many have been disrespected; and I'm glad you're taking the 'civil path' and considering your children who love and need you.

On the other hand, though feelings of anger can 'eat you up' and they only harm you and cause you to respond even to those you love ... with less love. It grows into bitterness ... and defiles many. Best to 'let it go' Make an effort to forgive.

If I were you (believing as I believe anyway) I would see a hematologist. There may be nothing that can be done for central nervous system damage (which all do have - whatever the diagnosis) ... but if you someday need a bone marrow transplant to live your live in fullness, you may be able to overcome the fatigue & escape paralysis from excessive blood formation outside the bone marrow. If your red blood cells look OK & you don't have too many immature red blood cells, skip.

Posted also at end of this thread & here:

Anyway, forgiving others has a healing effect. AND who knows, maybe it isn't the govt that has done something and covered it up.
Maybe the govt has NO IDEA what has caused 'gulf war illness'

Forgiveness is for YOU

Forgiving someone releases them for God to deal with; but most importantly, it is for YOU! Don't nurse your grudges!
envision a tree .... the branches are anger
the trunk is unforgiveness
and the big roots are Bitterness

This tree needs to be chopped down and the ROOT allowed to die

"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the Grace of God;
lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you,
and thereby many be defiled." Hebrews 12:15

Are you angry with God, too?
Steps to attaining the forgiveness you need:

1- Repent - Say you are sorry to Jesus for being so angry with our Savior and friend and to our Father. Ask Him to forgive you.

2- Forgive - As you seek Him who knows all things say this prayer

-(Name of Person who has hurt you) "for anything I have done that may have contributed to this hurt or broken relationship, Father Forgive me.

"I pray for ______________ who has hurt me deeply.
I forgive _________, and I forgive ___________."

Say this prayer as often as needed, daily, hourly,
putting in the names of all who have hurt you.
Coupled with fasting. Isaiah 58

You will begin to see and feel forgiveness and inner healing come.

There is no time to waste, in being angry and complaining about being misunderstood -

Make haste to come back quickly to the throne of Grace.
Jesus sits upon the Mercy Seat,
not one of judgment at this time.
May His sweet peace soon be yours.